After losing players like Harrison Barnes, Jared Sullinger, Terrence Jones, and Perry Jones, the 2011 NBA Draft is rapidly evolving into a farce. In ten years, we may look back on it in the same light as the Draft of 2000, when the vaunted Kenyon Martin/Stromile Swift/Darius Miles trio went 1-2-3. Heck, the second rounders in that draft have had better careers than the first rounders. (Brian Cardinal’s Revenge!) It would not surprise me a bit to see the same thing happen this year. So to prepare for the inevitable wisecracks and punchlines, let’s turn to the Mecca (or should I say MECCA) of all comedy: Arrested Development.
Here’s the strategy, each lottery pick will be matched to the Arrested Development character who best reflects the game and style of that selected player. If you disagree with any of the selections made below, please send your thoughts and reflections to [email protected] or [email protected] and we’ll address your concerns immediately. (Don’t worry. I get it. Some of these comparisons are a stretch.)
So without further ado…
#1 Cleveland – Kyrie Irving PG Duke:
If we handed out high school yearbook awards to draftees in this class, then Irving — a point guard’s point guard — would be voted ‘Most Likely To Succeed’. Irving should be able to get to the rim, hit the jump shot, and find his teammates for open looks at the next level, so that makes him our Michael Bluth. The only real concern would be the foot injury that sidelined him for of the majority of last season, but that’s not the type of injury that is destined to become chronic.
George Michael: I have Pop-Pop in the attic.
Michael: What? The mere fact that you call making love “pop pop” tells me you’re not ready.
#2 Minnesota – Derrick Williams PF Arizona:
Derrick Williams is the most promising package of potential in this draft. He has an NBA body, tremendous shooting accuracy (he shot 57% from three-point range last season), and knack for coming through in the clutch. Let’s tab him as our George Michael Bluth.
Michael: What have we always said is the most important thing. What comes first?
George Michael: Breakfast.
George Michael: Family. Right. I thought you meant out of the things you eat.
#3 Utah – Brandon Knight PG Kentucky:
He’s an attractive point guard prospect – in a weird sort of way. Doesn’t that mean that he needs to be our Linsday Bluth?
Michael: Come on, face it. You just do all this charity crap just to stroke your ego. You don’t even know what the auction’s for tonight.
Lindsay: The wetlands.
Michael: To do what with them?
Lindsay: Dry them.
Michael: Save them.
#4 Cleveland – Enes Kanter C Turkey:
He may end up being a solid player in the middle for the Cavs, but his diva act wore a little thin with spurned GMs across the league. He skipped combine interviews with Utah, Milwaukee, and Toronto, while professing his love for Washington a little too vocally for a player without a team. As the formerly wealthy matriarch of the the family, Lucille Bluth was quite the prima donna in her own right.
Maeby: (working with Lucille) This is so much fun. I can’t believe my mom thought being here would be a punishment.
Lucille: Oh, she thinks I’m too critical. That’s another fault of hers.
#5 Toronto – Kemba Walker PG Connecticut:
It’s always amusing when the worst defensive team in the league drafts a flashy 5’11″ point guard. Dwane Casey is going to love it in Toronto. Well, that is, if he enjoys Canadian prisons after he goes homicidal. It would be right to pair a one-dimensional player with a one-dimensional character, so let’s run with George Bluth’s vapid secretary, Kitty Sanchez.
Kitty: Your wife’s on line one.
Narrator: Michael’s wife had been dead for two years.
Michael: My what?
Narrator: Kitty realized her mistake.
Kitty: I said, ‘your wife is on line one.’
Narrator: But not immediately.
#6 Washington – Jonas Valanciunas C Lithuania:
The Washington Wizards are a team in desperate need of a muscular, savvy veteran in the front court. Unfortunately, it is not possible to draft a 33-year-old with this pick, so they’re going to have to add another youngster. Fortunately, they get the most physically mature player in this draft… in a year or two, as Valanciunas is not likely to be released from his overseas contract for at least another year. It also took a year for Annyong Bluth to develop into a character who could say anything more than simply ‘Annyong’, so I think we’ve found our man.
Maeby: Who’s this?
Buster: Oh, I’m sorry. This is Annyong.
Buster: My mom bought him. She’s making me register him for school. He’s my new little brother.
Maeby: So, we’re related. Hey, do you want to go to a dance?
George Michael: Oh, great, another uncle to compete with.
#7 Sacramento – Jan Vesely SF Czech Republic:
Well, well, well, what do we have here? A near-7-footer with athletic ability who shoots 43% on FTs and checks in quite skimpily in the rebounding department. It looks to me like Sacramento just got stuck with the fraud in the draft. And who could be a more lovable fraud Dr. Tobias Funke, noted psychiatrist, nevernude and husband of Lindsay.
Tobias: When a man needs to prove to a woman that he’s actually … When a man loves a woman, and he actually wants to make love to her, something very, very special happens. And with deep, deep concentration and great focus he is often able to achieve an erec –
George Michael: I’m sorry, I’m going to stop you here.
#8 Detroit – Kawahi Leonard SF San Diego St.:
Kawahi’s one glaring weakness: jump shot. Buster Bluth‘s one glaring weakness: the ability to mature to the point of leaving childhood.
Lucille: (about his AARP-aged girlfriend, Lucille 2) She changed him as a baby!
Michael: Ok, that’s about the creepiest thing I’ve ever heard.
Buster: That’s why she didn’t look surprised.
#9 Charlotte Bismack Biyombo PF/C Congo:
He can play the Pippen role to Stephen Jackson’s Jordan. It’s not going to get Charlotte to the playoffs, but at least Bismack plays defense – just like everyone’s favorite defense attorney, Barry Zuckerkorn.
Barry: Unfortunately, it’s a private stock, so you cannot just buy up the shares unless someone is willing to sell.
Michael: Are you sure?
Barry: That’s what they said on “Ask Jeeves”.
#10 Milwaukee – Alec Burks SG Colorado:
Dangit, I hope this works out for the Bucks. He seems like such an enticing prospect, but at the same time, I have this gnawing feeling that something is missing — missing like George Bluth‘s sense of business ethics. The Bucks could go to the pokey for a long time if this pick doesn’t pan out.
George Sr.: I’m under a lot of pressure here. I’m trying to get my newsletter off the ground. I’m trying to decide which gang to align myself with.
Michael: Is it pledge week already?
George Sr.: I’ve got it down to two. But honestly, I don’t even want to choose. I just feel… I feel like the prettiest girl at the dance.
#11 Golden State – Klay Thompson SG Washington St.:
Strikes me as something of a plain jane jumpshooter – our Ann Veal, if you will. Maybe/Maeby he can be Mark Jackson’s knock down shooter in a year or two. Mama, there goes that draft pick…
Michael: George Michael, I’m sure that Egg is a very nice person…
George Michael: It’s Ann…
Michael: …but I just don’t want you to spend all of your money getting her all glittered up for Easter.
#12 Charlotte – Jimmer Fredette PG BYU:
Small, white, plucky — just like Maeby Funke. It’s good that Jimmer’s going to get to come home to Utah.
Maeby: D plus. Sign this.
Lindsay: This is a D minus.
Maeby: Well, either way, it’s above a D right?
Lucille: Another world beater.
Lindsay: I’m not signing this.
Maeby: Fine. I will. Is Lindsay with an “A” or an “E”?
#13 Phoenix – Chris Singleton SF Florida St.:
Singleton is too good to pass up and, as a result, the Suns end up with their 13th small forward on a 15-man roster. With that many small forwards, Singleton is likely to end up as an afterthought, much like housekeeper Lupe.
Lucille: Supposedly, Luz had to take her daughter to the hospital. That’s Lupe, her sister.
Michael: I hope she’s okay…
Lucille: She’s awful. Can barely wash a dish.
[Lucille sees Lupe cleaning the inside of the fireplace]
Lucille: Uh oh. She better not walk through here after she’s been in there.
Lucille: Tell me you’ve got an exit strategy.
Michael: [chiding her] Mother…
Lucille: Oh, please. They didn’t sneak into this country to be your friends.
#14 Houston – Marcus Morris PF Kansas:
So much potential here. In fact, Marcus Morris has the potential to be to power forwards what Gob Bluth is to magicians. Not sure if Houston is the team to draft him, but pity the team that picks the undersized power forward with average skills. Also, I was running out of lottery picks and I needed to fit Gob in somewhere.
[Gob is buying a dove at the pet store]
Clerk: Don’t you want a cage for that?
Gob: [sticking the dove in his jacket] Please! I’m a professional.
[The dove is cooing as Gob walks to the door. He walks into the door and the dove stops cooing]
Gob: [looking into his jacket] What’s your return policy, by the way?